Wordes be nat fit

Thyse be the moost beschitte Seint Katherines dey evere. The yere past, I was given grete presentes from my chere Johnne, who is mine namoore.
Eala, that bytche Constaunze hath wonnen!

I have nat spoken of the mattir, for the wo hit brought to me was to grant. I nede say that aft the destruccioun of the Savoye, I wente to seken my Johne who in Edinburgh was. I set my suster Philippe forto loken on my childerenesesener but for Lite John, who I dede forlese. (He ayain is founden, by the grace of Godde, but that is to be tellen.)

I gan by putting my selfe in wise of a lowene catte-dame, and was donned by a companye of gypcianes a ride on hir cart. Methinketh gave hem me the ride sin my cote, which was whit as weren powere folke, became moulled with watter from the rain and was clere as a windwe. To Edinburh Ich, and whan I get me there, aft two wekes and finde my Johne atte Holy Rood, I find my Johne be nat atte Holy Rood namoor and so I mote goon in a cart of aquavite to Lincolen, and al the way there myn hoost kepeth creyen “nu pointen the knif at me!” lyk that be funnie, sin he herde some lame-ers jape wherein a traveller doth some thyng lyk that. Would God I had sayd “Yis, I shal pointen the knif at the!” and qwelled him, the churl.
I cam to Lincolen, and walked therefrom a Kettlethorpe, to myn hoome. There, I find peraventure my lief lite Johne, wele and hale! So gladde was I, graced me God to finden him so! My lite Johne be so wise and intelligent, he wist to goon where I should him finden, hoome in Kettlethorpe.
Then, the neightest dey, a messange cam. Mayhaps I be lowene and nat feigned so, as methoughte “Ywis the newes shal be gode, as augered by finding lite Johne ful faire.” Alakaday, waylaway, schit beschitten cattle-swiver! My messange was from my Johne, my chere duke of Launcastre, my loove. And he sayd “A nostre chere Catherine, maistresse e mothor of oure micel infants, par le grace de dieu, e to oure efforts comforter, from John Plantagenet le duc de Launcastre par le grace de dieu e roi de Espagnie: For bon iou cennen, Dieu (God) us hateth inou and hath explodit nostre chatel that we had com nostre beloved aime Blaunche departen, et hath incited le populace de Londres to us haten ainsi. It est clairement due to his outrage pending oure annes de trair e de infidelitee a Constaunze com vouz. Si, bet ne iou seen again! Adieu! Vostre Johne le roi de Espagnie.”

As if I ken nat what be “Dieu.” And whan he sayth “us” and “oure” meneth him “me, al of us the Duk of Lancautre and King of Espanye.” A he sayeth I shal nat see him nevermo! I ken nat what to doon! I have but taken in muchel cattes and gan to creye in min yard. And eke Johne and Constaunze be gladde in London with the Kinge.
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Boke II

O mightye dung!!! Whan laste wrote me of the tale on how thynges fell witte nobles atte Tower, soddenly I discerned, that betwixt Constaunze and me there weren XI: Ich, Constaunze, Henry, Thomas Tweye, Joane, and Kateline. WHERE IN GODDES NAME BE MY SONNE JOHNE??? I mote have losten him atte Tower and seen hit nat! Goddes dignitee, how should I have losten myn eldest sonne with Johne and ne woten for a weke!? I shoulde loke, but I be nat in Londoun ynow, I am yjournee with a band of lewd folke who toke pitee to bring me North in her carte. O gentil rederes! – be ye gode and charitable men, kepen vigilaunt for my sonne, Johne Beaufort!
He is X yeres elde, with faire countenaunce as doth his name telle, paillid as the moone and hayre golden as the sunne, with a mightye a stomach for wine as you shall evere see of a X yere elde.

O, how agful me feleth! I toorned my childerenes overe to folkes I knowe but lite, but for Johne whom I gesse I did nat! Then I fleyed the Tower, and renne thurgh the villaines and rebeles to seken my suster at Aldgate. Ich, a noble woman conveyed al one in swych perile, I neded skriek “I be in troth but a servaunt!” and cast aboute my jeweles in the route to maken distracte of the folke. By Aldgate I was baren of jeweles, pinnes, and neare stryppened myself to my schrit forto misleden hem, but that might have merely maden an othir attencioun I woulde nat, so resisted.
I founde my susteres roumes and wenten the doore, beted and skrieked as some deville megesseth. Out renne Philippe, with a sword of Geffreyes, and swangen hit at me! Certes, were she ne woman with crappe aim, I should be deed ynow! Once that she knewe me she toke me within, and made a wall before the doore with setes and tables and bokes, and Gefrey gan tellen hir nat to usen the bokes in swych wise, and she toold him to shutten his lippes and watche the windwe. He guarded oone, Thomas, hir sonne, an othir, and litel Lewis was armed with manye daggres in the neightest roum with his mower litel suster Agnis. Philippe and me coked mete for hem alle, so should hem haven no nede forto goon from hir appointementes. I spoke of my miserye, and Philippe quod that hit was alle for that the churles and villains haten my Johne, for thinken hem that he be riche from takinge taxes and nat from cautious investement and because lady Blanches fathir, may she and he be in pes, was swiving riche and my Johne got hit alles whan she was deed.
I wayted with Philippe for II dayes, until we herde that Kinge Richard had gone to the rebeles and had these wordes:

CHIEF REBELE: Wele, King, seest thou here alle thyse menne?
KING RICHARD: Aye... ummm, forwhy?
CHIEF REBELE: For that I haven hem alle undre myn own commaunt, and haven hem alle given holy troth to doon any thinge I saye for hem.
KING RICHARD: Thatte is cool we gessen, huh huh huh.

Then Gode be praised, chere Wil Walworth renne out and quelled the rebele chief. Then Richard daunced aboute and sayed to the villains:

KING RICHARD: We are king! So you shoult doon whatever we saye, and go wey.
WIL WALWORTH: Yis, there be an armee of reenforcementes ycomming shortlye.
And syn thyse were pesaunts estupides who revolted because some tailor or tile-makkir toold hem, they all wente.
But there was ne jollitye for me none. Al I could was how my hoome in Londoun in gone, and my childeren are lost and stelen, and my Johne is farre away in Scotteland and might knowe nothinnge of hit any!

And so I sayed, “I shall finde my Johne!” and Philippe sayed, “Yis, go away from her, I will nat have villain to burnen the home ydoun,” so she gave to me some money and a hately gown forto kepe me sobtle, and so I am ynow, ywandre.

The Revolte, boke I

O lecteurs cheres:
I shal saye what I may: my time, in thise intrenet hotte spot, be shorte.

All cam whan that frist I herde the newes that Wil Walworth the meior had deraigned to shutten the ports of the citee, syn ynere there were rebeles. The aviseurs and King Richard were atte Tower, methinketh (there I sente hem tart de cerise a weke agone) and a noble man yforsed by the rebeles to serve hem, er his children should be quelled, sought to speke with hem.

On Corpus Christi, I toke my childeren and alle we what mighte wente to the Tower to prayen with the King, that these rebeles should goon in pes ower else God to casten aqua fortis upon hem but nat on us. Aft we prayed, the aviseurs and King Richard set on a barque, to seen the rebeles, and I made to goon home to Savoy that I may telle yow gentil rederes of it all. Only then Richard wente nere shore and creyed lyk an idiot, “Churls, yow succen! LOL! Westen syyyyde!” Yis, he sayd L – O – L, and all the men of courte grucched. Thise be wherefore a XIV yere elde King hath aviseurs to seen the toyles. Richard toorned round straight wey to the Tower ayain. O! Were my Johne here ne LOL should have yspoken ben! At thyse wordes, the rebels stormed the citee, forsed the gates be oped and straight went to the Savoy. Mordred hem the guarderes, then in went and gan to smashen al mannir of thinges whils ychaunt with “Singen in the Rayn” so I am recited. Ystond on too-ende, I dede scarcely the Savoy see, and that swyving bitch Constaunze keped to schoven me aside, for she would see of my spot.
There was the mighty Savoy, myn home with my swoote Johne. Then soddenly – clap! The winde reked al of gunne-powdre, and what lite remained of the palace was in flames. I and Constanze began to wepe, and eke alle min childeren and Kateline dede so. “O the humanitee!” we creyed, and alle oure poure servaunts we woote were deed, for ne no body should have lived.

To the dey neightest, al were yterrour. I fered for myn elder childeren, Thomas Oone and Blanche who are at schole and far awey, and for my suster and hir housbond, and hirs. Philippe swynketh often for Constaunze ynow, and may have even been atte Savoy.
My neere-nefew King Richard felte sore wretched for that he maked oure hoome become burst, so he gave Constaunze a tart de cerise. How nyce. I knew that same tart de cerise syn I made hit for him a weke agone. Then went he maken amends for saying LOL to the rebeles. As soon as oped the gates to lesse him leve, the villeines camen in to the Tower, and by my troth, creyed hem to quellen alle who be known to the Duke of Lancastre – my Johne. Poure Frere William erste was mordered, and soon hit semed all oure servaunts that were saved from flames should deyen from the revolt, bute mower Constaunze and my selfe dreded for oure childeren, who ne may renne wyth hir shorte legges, so we mote haulen hem and there be IV of hem and oonly Constaunze and me to haulen as we fleyde, uppe the staires, til I thought his should be a ful bad idee to flee uppe the staires and freyned “What is thyse, a horror tale?” And certes we ne might knowen, for there was Frere Williames heede upon a stick with bloode and salive yrun from him. We had fortune yet, for tis claimed that were the Kinges mothores dames (and nere Joane hirself) surprized by the rebeles, may hem hanged becomen. Then – gramercy Gode! – sighted we Henry, and John Ferrour who I wote nat, but he sayed, we should give to him the childeren and he should stelen hem in saufetee. Constaunze and me ne were able to holden hem namoore, so gave we him alle but Joane who is so smal. Alice de Holland then cam and quod she should take Joane so I mighte fleye. So Constaunze and me drove thurgh the throng armed contre the villeins wyth oure hayr-pines as weaponnes. Then fell a grete scheme to me, to skriek atte rebeles that Constaunze be the Duchesse of Launcastre and to fleye whan set hem upon hir; but I fered me should she creye with hir last breeth that I be the Dukes mistresse so kepte me with hir.
Though I skrieked al the while, I founde the gate with Constaunze, and quod she should go where she would: but I must to my suster, to see she be unharmed.

(no subject)

Be ye nat in Londoun, yow may nat wise the helle that hath been wroughten! I may write lite; I nede flee. The Savoye is undre siege!

Waylaway! The pesauntes have revolted; Constaunze hath flede, I have left the children with menn I pray shal guarden hem; and I mote maken me stele. I shal say mower whan I may, by Godes grace.

(no subject)

On thyse dey, the bitche Constaunze made me forto coken breede all day, for she is a bytch and the bakkyr is seke. My Johne made me promyse nat to fighten wyth hir whilest he be afer in Edinburgh. I hoope somethynge full mal cometh to Constaunze.
A while agone, I boughte some cosmeticke of mineralen, and I have been upon the damned automaticke mailinges-liste syn that dey! I be gettying all thyse litel coffers of poudres and I want hem nat.

(no subject)

My Johne hath a message to me sente from ferre wey in Edinburough! He sayth alle is wele, and he schal bringe giftes for me and the childerereneser whan he shal retournen. And he maketh jape that I mote nat burn the Savoye ydoun while he is wey.

A, faire gentil Johne myne!

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Estre wente wele. My suster Philippe cam to seen us atte Savoye, sin Geffrey preveth to hide from his creditores ayein. I sayd I woulde telle my Johne to tellen the Kinge to pay Geffrey ower Philippe for some thynge oer I shal saye to give hem greter toile.

Constaunze shal goe away neightest weke, huzzah! She shal goon to companye hir suster Isabelle, who is married to my Jhones brothor Edmund. He is ful boryng, so I hope it shal be badde for hir. I feel I should don alle of hir shoon whiles she is agone, but I doe nat think I shall verray.

(no subject)

Be hale alle!

I have been so fortaken of othir dedes that I forgotte to wissh ye gentil folkes a Happy Newe Yeere and Happy Feste of the Annunciacioun! May Gode and Jesu graunt solaas and plasir.

My leve Johne hath goon to Edynburgh to tell with the King of Scottes and see that he shal nat cwelle us alles. I doe nat lyke Scottes, but my Johne nede be in hir midst a while. I hoppe ne foule thynge shal falle in his leeve. Till then, I am here atte Savoy with that bytche Constanze and swoote Kateline, and my childeren. But ne woulde I be wey from my Johne!

(no subject)

Brid one breere, briht brid one trewe
Kynd is come, of Love love to crave
Blithful bird, on me, one me thu rewe
Or greith, leef, greith thu me, thu me my grave
Ich am so blithe so briht one breere
Whan I see that hende, hendest in halle
He is whit of lim, of lim and leere
He is fayr, and flur, and flur of alle
Mihte ich hire, hir at wille have
Stedefast of love, loveli, trewe
Of mi sorw he may, he may me save
Joy and bliss wer er, wer er me newe.